Kina Kalamari's Interview Journal
by Kina Kalamari
Summary: It's basically what the title says: Kina Kalamari the crazy reporter wanders around Gielinor, looking for interesting conversation. -Interview requests will be taken into consideration.-


**A/N: Hi. I wasn't sure if I should, since I'm in the middle of two other fanfictions, but I decided to start a new story. So the first thing you need to know to read this story is that the Kina Kalamari in it isn't actually me. She started out as me in Secrets of the Barrows Brothers, sort of. But now she's taken on a life of her own. The second thing you need to know is that my friends and I have some different opinions on some of the RuneScape canon. If I say anything in here that offends you, please leave. Please do not yell at me for getting my facts wrong. Well, unless it's blatantly obvious that I did in fact get my facts wrong. I suppose you could kindly correct that.**

**Now, read on!**

**EDIT: My friend Alex got mad because I forgot to give him credit. It was originally his idea that I write a compilation of interviews. My apologies, Lord Tylixe, that such an _important_ detail could have entirely slipped my mind.  
**

* * *

Hello, readers! Welcome to…um… Well, I don't exactly know what this is. I guess it's a sort of compilation of interviews. Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

I'm Kina Kalamari. Some of you may know me. I host the inaptly-named 'Guess The Barrows Brothers' Innermost Secrets', which should probably just be called 'Secrets of the Barrows Brothers', and 'The Gods' Show'. I've also published a short bit of detective work I did into Iban's history.

So yes, I am a reporter. But don't worry, I'm not one of _those_ kind. Or at least, I wouldn't be if I knew what 'those' kind were. Either way, I try to be respectful about things, and not get in peoples' faces too much.

I'm blathering, aren't I? Yeah, I do that. Sorry. Anyway, all I was trying to do was introduce and explain this little thing I've put together. I decided it might be interesting to wander around Gielinor and interview people, so I did. I'm not known to do things the easy way, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that the first person I picked for this was Arrav, Mister Undead-Zombie-Dude-Under-The-Control-Of-A-Mahjarrat-Who's-Trying-To-Take-Over-Varrock. Let me tell you, getting into Zemouregal's fortress to talk to his undead slave wasn't easy, but I've got some interesting connections, and I managed it.

So without further ado, I will now type out the conversation that I had with Arrav. It should be pretty close to the real one, though I think I lost a couple pages out of my notebook when I was fleeing from the fortress after the fact. Hopefully they weren't too important.

* * *

Kina Kalamari: Hello, Arrav.

Arrav: Holy… How did you get in here?

KK: I'm afraid I can't tell you that. I've heard that everything you know will get back to your master, and I don't want him coming after me because I know how to infiltrate his fortress.

A: Um…you just told me that you know how to infiltrate his fortress. He'd still hunt you down.

KK: Oh. That's unfortunate.

A: A bit. It's lucky for you that it actually is possible for me to keep secrets from him.

KK: So that was a false rumor, then? I'll have to make note of that.

A: Why are you here? And who are you?

KK: I'm Kina Kalamari. I'm here to ask you some questions.

A: What, like interview me?

KK: Yeppers.

A: Why would you want to interview _me_?

KK: Is there a reason I shouldn't want to interview you?

A: Yes! I'm a horrible, horrible creature. All the innocent people I've killed… And you could be next! Coming here was dangerous, Kina Kalamari. If he notices, he'll probably make me kill you.

KK: Oh, dear. So you don't have an free will at all?

A: I have a little. I can still talk most of the time, even when he's controlling me. But I can't control anything I do. You need to leave, before it's too late.

KK: But I just got here! I'm not afraid of a little danger.

A: That's foolish of you.

KK: Mm, people have said that before. Anyway, if we've got limited time, I'd better get straight to the good questions.

A: Do you not understand what I'm saying?

KK: I understand. I just think you don't understand what I went through to get in here. I'm certainly not leaving now. So, first question: What would you say is the most significant difference between being human and being, ah…undead?

A: It's been so long since I've been human… I don't know if I remember it well enough to say.

KK: Well, tell me the first thing that comes to mind.

A: Life as a zombie is less colorful, I guess. Things were clearer when I was human. I had a purpose. Being undead is just dull.

KK: Maybe it would help if your wardrobe was a little less drab.

A: What do you mean?

KK: Look at yourself! You're just one big splotch of gray! If you really want to recolor your life, I would look into some more colorful outfits. Maybe purple or orange or green or something.

A: Um… I don't think he'd let me.

KK: Tell him how unhappy you are. Make a really big speech about it, and try to implore to his more sympathetic side.

A: …You've never actually met Zemouregal, have you?

KK: No. I don't see what that's got to do with anything.

A: …

KK: What? You don't think that would work?

A: Actually, I _know_ that wouldn't work.

KK: If you say so, but I still think you should try it. But we should get to the next question… What's your favorite pastime?

A: Excuse me?

KK: You know, like a hobby or something. What do you do for fun?

A: 'Fun' isn't really in my dictionary anymore. Mostly I just stand around and wait for him to give me orders. He makes me do chores, does that count?

KK: Oh, my. This is sadder than I thought. You know what you need?

A: My freedom?

KK: Well yes, but that's beside the point.

A: …

KK: You need a party!

A: _What_?

KK: I'm going to call Party Pete in here and we are going to have a blast like you've never seen before.

A: Oh, no no no no no. Baaaaaad idea.

KK: I think it's a great idea. You need some fun in your life. You seem a little down.

A: I am, but I don't want to be here when Zemouregal finds out that someone let a party into his fortress.

KK: Well, maybe he needs some fun too. You ever thought about that?

A: And I used to think _I_ was going insane…

KK: You did? Was that a real problem for you?

A: Having your body entirely at the command of someone else wouldn't make you feel a little crazy?

KK: I wouldn't know. I guess it might.

A: Exactly. It has been a bit of a problem for me, yes.

KK: I'm very sorry to hear that. Do you think there's anything that could be done to help that?

A: You could kill me.

KK: Er… Aren't you already dead?

A: Well, yeah. Doesn't mean I can't still be…gotten rid of.

KK: I don't like that idea…

A: It would do the trick, though.

KK: You're not _asking_ me to kill you, are you?

A: Would it be so bad if I was? I'm a danger to the world. I've killed so many people… They still haunt me in my sleep…

KK: So you can sleep?

A: Well, no. That was a figurative statement.

KK: Ohhhh, gotcha.

A: But anyway, it would really be a boon to this land if you would just get rid of me once and for all.

KK: Nope, sorry. Not going to do that. Do you realize that if anyone has a chance to overthrow Zemouregal and save Varrock, it's you? I mean, you're in the best position possible, really.

A: I can't say I agree with you there…

KK: Don't you want to save Varrock?

A: I tried once already. I failed miserably. Now I'm stuck like this, forced to murder innocent people and perform heinous deeds. I'm really no good for anyone.

KK: That's pessimistic of you.

A: It's the truth. If you're not going to kill me, I'd really prefer if you'd just leave.

KK: That's rude!

A: Not really.

KK: Yes, it is! I thought I was a guest here, and now you're just kicking me out? That is _horrible_ hospitality.

A: Trust me, it's for your own good.

KK: You're just saying that to get rid of me, aren't you?

A: Um, no…

KK: Here I was, just trying to help, and you're kicking me out.

A: Kina, I really think you should leave now.

KK: Will you stop that? I'm not going anywhere!

A: Kina! Get out of here!

KK: I can't believe you would–

* * *

And that would be when he started attacking me. I guess Zemouregal had decided to check in on him, and I was then chased out of the fortress. Admittedly, the whole time Arrav was shouting things like, "I'm sorry, Kina! I really wish I didn't have to do this!" So I guess I forgive him.

So if anyone has any requests, I'll be glad to take them. And hell, the more dangerous, the better! If there aren't any requests, I guess I'll just keep wandering around looking for interesting people to talk to. It's certainly a good way to meet new people.

* * *

**A/N: I love reviews. =)**


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